Black Friday.. wy do we call it that anyways?

So Christmas is approaching and there is nothing I can do to stop it ack.. My mother turns from normal calm  lady to SATAN  with a shopping addiction. I am seriously not kidding this time.  Some times I may cry wolf like when I say that "J's farts kill dead people" really I mean his farts just stink and the dead people were most likely already dead so it prob had nothing to do with his farts.

 Seriously though I am being kidnapped by a lady I shall call "mom" and she likes to guilt me into going shopping with her. For example my stepfather has bribed me with 200$ towards Christmas shopping if I go with my mom on "black Friday"!

  This is his way of saying" please don't make me go with her" its your job as a daughter.

    My mom has the tendency of acting like a crazy lady over the holidays and I am going in on Tuesday to get my ovary check and than if all goes well hopefully another trigger shot. So I guess I am actually crossing my fingers that this year I am crazy and hormonal when I am forced to go out shopping with my lovely crazy mother and lets just all pray she lives. =)

AF IS A BEATCH

I worked my 30 hour shift this weekend and woke up to find AF upon me with vengeance! Hurts like hell and kinda the part were I finally have to admit 100 percent that this cycle failed. To be honest I was hoping for it. yet at the same time I felt like I did not deserve it. I have met so many people on here who have suffered so many losses and even though we have been TTC for quite some time..One cycle on clomid just did not seem fair to me. Fair as in I see the hurt some of you are going through with all your miscarriages and I feel almost as if it is your turn first.  I know that sounds odd but that is my honest feelings at the moment.
  Not to say I am not still hoping for my turn, because I am so hoping and praying for that day. I am also not looking forward to the hormones to start again. ugh I become so crazy that I even hate myself.  This week I plan to hang out with  J and try and relax in between working. Hopefully soon I hear back from the Dr as to what meds and dosage they want me to start on.

  I am lucky to have such a wonderful man and the unconditional love of my Lola dog and cranky old cat. I swear they can get me through anything and I hope the rest of you are as lucky to have the same in your life.  Time to go relax with my Advil and heating pad as well.   One of these days I will post something other than my TTC life. heh till than nighty night.

quickie

I figured I better do something to take my mind off of the election status since I am about ready to cry already. bu bye health care.  I am starting to get antsy and just want the days to hurry up so I can get to my next cycle and see if this time I can actually get a good strong ovulation. Come on eggies get to work!!  I am not even sure if I will get a natural period or not so I have to wait till mid November to see and if not than I get to take prevera again and force one.  All the meds make me beyond hormonal and crazy as hell! Soooo advance notice in case I randomly start throwing things.

  I am not sure what it is about blogging haha but it puts me to sleep so I guess this will just be a quickie update. I will prob write a book of a blog on Thursday when I am free from work. Till than stay safe everyone and baby dust to all needing it.
 

Halloween, Candy & TTC

Lots to say I guess.but I must try and keep it somewhat short.  Step dad is doing better with his arm and hand surgery. His mind is good as well and most people would not even notice,but to us it is getting frighteningly worse.  So many different things he is doing and saying that make it apparently obvious there is some kind of dementia of some sort going on. 

   J and I took my niece trick-o-Treating and it was a blast I think J was more excited than my niece!  It is J's first Halloween in MN so compared to Alaska Halloween he was amazed. The mass crowd in our neighborhood went on for a few hours and we went into some neighbors houses that had haunted shows. It was quite creepy and professional looking even I had to step out while he walked her through the rest. lol  J even got startled and I think it made my lil niece wanna run home =).

  So our Halloween was a blast we got to spend time with our borrowed daughter and we also got to give out candy to the locals.  Wow our neighborhood really went all out and I am so glad they did.  This is my first Halloween back home since Alaska.  I have to admit living in Alaska I was sad to not see all the lil kids in such cute costumes.  I guess a big part of it is here we stick in our neighborhoods or if were feeling spicy we go to the rich ones downtown, however being in your own neighborhood you really get that community feeling and realize why Mn is called Mn nice!  I still recall the day we had such a bad storm most the trees in the neighborhood fell. Yet all the neighbors came over and helped one another and half of them never met before. it was a learning experience for me and made me proud to live here.

      Hrrm so umm to the point of my ramblings.... I hate TTC and im sure the rest of you do as well but I have had to come up with reasons why I hate it or I would feel guilty. ugg I would feel guilty because TTC should be something you do to help in the long run:  change,grow,nurture and raise a new human being to this world.


  I however, can still  HATE weeks that turn into months where you work with the pills, the temps, the shots, the u/s, the pills again that lead you back to the next test.  ....  ALL of this hard,HARD work. .....  mentally and emotionally hard ass work! All that is left is one day...Just one day to take a test and tell you what happened with all your hard work and pain and things that most people never have to even experience or see!
                        We get left with the one day and than we wait to start right on over again for the next try!
we figure out our cycles and waiting for the test rules. It is so unbelievably hard I know that but whatever happens we must not give up in the end I think this will make us better mothers.  Hmm after all how many moms you know of do the research on the whole entire first few years of a newborn as we do????

Second to this?

So yeah now I shall try and sum up other things than just TTC issues that have been going on. My step dad had surgery today on his hand and arm from a injury working for the bus service.
  Speaking of, NEVER take that job its dangerous!
   He was beat up so many times I cant even count.
  
 He is home now however our worries lead to more than his hand surgery. He is most likely suffering from early onset of Alzheimer's and my mom is a mess! the Dr keeps telling her to wait and see and why would she want to know anyways?    Soooo many things I find wrong with this Dr telling her that!  It is not as if he forgot to send out a letter. He is confused and forgetting most things important. I and my nursing friends from school are on the case and hopefully soon we will find the right Dr.

        I am typing this and at the same time I want to throw up in my own mouth! it is yet to be known (to general population) that Dr's really know nothing more than a educated guess and I am open to finding a Dr that begs to differ with me?
  Working in this whole medical field and school and research and blah blah I have come to my own personal opinion.
       You all are free to make your own of course.  I just feel we give some people to much credit and take it as the end all be all.
       I hope someone is reading this and has a  horrible diagnosis and yet finds this inspiring enough to get that second opinion. Really after all our Dr's are just educated friends and from one undereducated friend to another we should always seek second opinion's!

TTC update

So I am a big flake and really new at this blogging thing since today I realized I had been updating the blog I first started and don't get or use. Ooopsies so I guess I will try and do a quick version of those posts now.
 I realized that the test results I went in for were only to tell me if I most likely ovulated or not and not as I had previously thought that would tell me if I was preggo.
  I am NOT new to the TTC world however, I am new to the whole Dr assisted TTC.
  With my PCOS I had previously tried Metformin and failed before loosing health insurance. Now that I have insurance again I am thankful for being able to get the help, yet confused at the same time.
  Today I got the results from my CD21 progesterone test and it was 5.7!  I kinda wanted to cry since even I knew that was low. The nurse told me that it was OK, not good and also low but "OK".  I pressed her for more information asking her if "that means I ovulated or not?" She did the nurse thing and kinda just gave me the run around with "that's not as high as we want it (pause) but ok." After I hung up I was confused even more and did some research online.  So from what I can get out of it is that I most likely ovulated but it is not a high enough number to be a viable egg to reach implantation.
    Sooooo I guess I wait till next cycle and see what meds if any need to be changed. My Dr is also out of town getting married so I cant speak directly with her till its time for next cycle. (bummer).  I guess I should be thankful for the fact that I most likely did ovulate and in fact I also believe I did feel it at the time. I am pretty in tune/obsessed with my body and its changes and I had a pretty awful pain in the ovary that was supposed to ovulate.
 Also anyone out there with advice or ideas I would love to hear from you.
  So forward march I go to the next cycle along with my military of TTC'rs out there! =)

TTC and worm dreams.

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